Bertha Klepach : The 10 Greatest
Only-In-Miami Christmas Traditions
Bertha Klepach - Fashion Maven
Courtesy by : MIAMI NEW TIMES STAF
1. Hitting Up
Santa's Enchanted Forest
Games,
shows, food, nativities! With the jingle that launched a thousand childhoods,
Santa's Enchanted Forest is the epitome of a Miami Christmas tradition. It's so
Miami, in fact, that they even leave the Christmas lights up all year just like
the rest of us. Starting in November and ending in January (because who doesn't
need two solid months of fried foods and terrifying carnival rides), Santa's
Enchanted Forest is a rite of passage for every kid and teen in the city. And
just in case you want to go this year but somehow forgot where it is, let us
help you out. It's in Tropical Park on Palmetto and Bird Road.
2. Jamming to DJ Laz's Mi Burrito Sabanero Remix
You know Christmas is right around the corner when Power 96 starts
playing the Mi Burrito Sabanero Remix on
repeat. God bless this little gem for teaching us the story of Jesus' birth
while giving us something to shake our rump to with that mid-song hip-hop
breakdown. Tuqui tuqui tuqui tuqui, indeed.
3. Busting Out La Caja China
No Noche Buena is complete
without a few Cubans asando un puerco on
La Caja China. It's a whole production, too. When we unveil the finished
product, every rando on the block shows up begging for a piece of that crispy
skin. While there's a legit company that sells Caja Chinas now, and Bobby Flay
may be a fan, 305 residents can claim that they've been creating their own
bootleg versions for years. Say what you want about Miami, but we're God damn
innovators when it comes to roasting a pig.
4. Watching the Miami Heat
Consider this one a
modern tradition of sorts, since our beloved Miami Heat have pretty much played
(and slayed) on every Christmas in recent memory. We relish having a full
afternoon of glorious alley oops, over-the-top flopping and LeBron James
dunking people into oblivion. Winning against the (laughable) Los Angeles
Lakers this year will be the greatest Christmas present of all.
5. Becoming Legitimately Excited to Wear Winter Clothing
When a slight breeze rolls through, we'll dust off our hideous
Uggs and puffy J.Lo-inspired jackets faster than you can say Feliz Navidad. We look ridiculous, but it truly is a
Christmas miracle when Miami gets "chilly" weather for more than four
days straight. Hell, a slight cold front causes us to lose our minds and bundle
up like Snowpocalypse is near. Our Northern and Midwestern friends may judge us
for this odd behavior, but we always get the last laugh when we're eventually
back to bikinis and flip-flops and they're freezing their nads off for another
two months.
6. Concocting Our Own Tales
About Santa
Have you ever seen a house in Miami with a chimney? Yeah,
didn't think so. Therefore, we have to get a little creative when it comes to
explaining how Santa delivers presents to the good little boys and girls of
Miami. Whether he's stealthily coming through your sliding glass door, using a
key left under the doormat, or straight up breaking and entering, our version
of Santa is a total and complete BAMF. Who believes his fat ass can get through
a chimney anyhow?
7. Opening Presents at Midnight
on December 24
We're an impatient bunch, so when the clock strikes 12 on
Dec. 24, we're tearing into those presents like it's our effing job. We always
say we'll open "just one," but before you know it, the bottom of the
tree is SUPER bare. For us, the 25th isn't a day to celebrate Jesus anymore,
it's a day to recover from the coquito hangover and eat pan con lechón.
8. Putting Up Decked Out
Decorations
When lawns are littered with flamingos dressed as Santa
and palm trees are practically puking Christmas lights, you know that the
holiday season has officially begun in the Magic City. We do it big here. Our
electricity bills are nothing to sneeze at. Those nightmare-inducing plastic
reindeer are coming correct on our roofs. Inflatable snowmen are our life
source. And you better believe that nothing comes down until we celebrate El
Día de Los Reyes Magos in January. Keep it tacky, Miami.
9. Hot Chocolate and Churros In
or Around Your Mouth
When the temperature drops below 60 degrees (so... like
twice a year) and you need to warm your tired soul, there's no better remedy
than some hot chocolate and churros. Not the watered down Nestle kind and those
abominations from Churromania either. For the real deal, us Miamians throw on
that one sweater we each own and hightail it over to Las Palmas on Calle Ocho.
Talk about a mouthgasm.
10. Getting White Girl Wasted
Off Coquito
The best thing to come out of
Puerto Rico since Menudo, coquito is the nectar of the holiday gods. It's the
Hispanic version of eggnog, except with way more rum and way less egg. So, the
better version, obviously. If you've never tried it, grab the first boricua that
crosses your path and get your drank on. Salud!
